I've been struggling with how to put this down in words, but here it goes!

I was trying to figure out when it was that I had first become sick? When was it when I realized that something was wrong with me? I was searching through my personal medical records, seeking the answer, when I came across the following:

"DOS: 07/16/2002
Mike is a 42 - year - old male who wants to get off the PAXIL because of erectile dysfunction. He doesn't think it is working anymore. He is on 30mg currently. He looses his temper quite a bit if he is not on his medication. Once during an argument with his wife, he became so infuriated with her attitude that he attempted to strangle her. He realized what he was doing and stopped. He stopped the PAXIL last week for about three days and became a little bit angry. Also his wife wanted it mentioned today.

O:
I have known the patient for quite a while. I feel that he needs his medication to control his temper and his depression. After a long talk, about 40 minutes, it is elected to discontinue his PAXIL by decreasing it slowly.

A/P: We are going to place him on 15mg a week along with 37.5 mg of EFFEXOR for week one. Week two he will go down to 7.5 mg of PAXIL with 75 mg of EFFEXOR. And week three and four will be 75mg of EFFEXOR. He was required to go on a larger dose to control his symptoms."

In 1988, I successfully completed two years of the Yale School of Art M.F.A. in Photography program, and held several adjunct teaching positions thereafter. Until that time,I had also successfully managed the gripping depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and headaches that I had since childhood. Things began to severely deterioate from that time on.

Unable to find work within the field of photography, living at home with my parents at 32 years of age, I was forced to join the ranks of unskilled labor, to secure work. In 1991, I fractured my right patella while working at Sears as a stockclerk. I was laid up for over a year. What little settlement money I recieved from "workmens compensation", was put towards a beautiful 8 x 10 view camera and tripod. Something which would have been unattainable otherwise. I was still trying to follow the artists path that I had chose, despite everything.

In 1992, I was self-employed as a photographer, landscaper, and warehouse worker. I was delusional, suicidal, and I was talking to myself. I had snapped. I called the mental health hotline for help. I should also say, that at that time, I had also secured a teaching position at the local junior college. As irony and fate would have it, it is also, where I began my artists path in 1981. The timing couldn't have been worst.

In the midst of a nervous breakdown, I was to begin teaching again in two weeks.To make a very long story shorter, I was in therapy for two years and managed to find adjunct teaching positions, eventually commuting three hours to do so. Still trying to manage my depression and sanity. After commuting for three years, I decided I had enough. I resigned from a secure position because of failing health.

To backtrack slightly, In 1997, I began to work as an artist model. Extremely self-conscious of my body, and introverted, I decided to face my fears. I was also teaching in two states, trying to work as a commercial photographer in both, and living with my future wife and three step children.

In September 2001, I began to work as a construction laborer for a local residential contractor, who incidentally, I had been introduced to, by a friend from my junior college days of 1981. I was also continuing to work as an artist model.Which finally brings me back to the beginning of this story.

Shortly after the aforementioned doctors visit, I began to experience extreme bouts of lethargy, muscle weakness, sexual dysfunction, and chronic pain. My doctor ordered a barrage of tests. Two were real eye-openers! A bone density test showed that I had severe Osteoperosis, and a blood test indicated that I had a very low testosterone count. I was 42 years of age!

I was referred to an endocronologist, who after a thorough examination, prescribed the minimum dose for ANDROGEL. It was not successful! I went to a higher dosage, again unsuccessful. Finally I agreed to have DELATESTRYL injected into my thigh every two weeks. Some success, but too painful. My wife now injects my buttocks every two weeks. I've been on DELATESTRYL 1ml till present.

This disease, Hypogonadism, with it's slew of physical and mental connections, has forced me to beg for disability benefits. Which I now receive after a very long battle in proving. Incidentally, I sought disability purely on physical complications, Osteoperosis, spinal deterioation, Hypogonadism, headaches, blurred vision, carpal tunnel in both hands, and chronic pain throughout my entire body, numbness, ect... I now find out, despite all of physical conditions, that I was awarded disability due to my mental state!

This desease has practically crippled me, yet, I continue to fight. I'm now seeing a second endocronologist and am awaiting my second visit with him. Because of blood tests ordered by him, it was found that I have a low thyroid level, and he has since prescribed synthroid. I've been on this drug for approximately two months now, and am due for another blood test to determine it's effect.

I'm also seeing a Urologist because of sexual dysfunction and many unexplained urinary problems. I'm awaiting my second visit with him as well.

After a whirlwind of specialists, and very little explanation or satisfaction, I've sought help from a spiritual healer. After a month's treatment I've seen remarkable results. I'm no longer taking Hydrocodone or Nuerontin, two drugs which I needed to take frequently.

I could go on, but, I think I'll stop here for now. I can provide more detail later. I should also add that I have abused drugs, alcohol, and nicotine since the age of 12. I no longer smoke cigarettes, I do drink beer on a moderate level, and I smoke cannabis on a daily basis. Unfotunately, I'm still on EFFEXOR 300mg.

Afterthought:
I was seventeen when I reached puberty and remember being told my development was normal ! Clearly this was not a correct conclusion!

This disease also has seriously jeopardized my marriage and I'm damn lucky to have a my wife in my corner. Without her, I would either be in a mental ward or dead!

I hope this has been helpful and insightful.

Michael