I only had Testicular Cancer once, unlike some, but it cost me both testicles. That, of itself, was an alarming experience, but my life since, has been, to say the least, different. To say I "crashed and burned" would be an understatement. I lost everything that was attached to my former life, business, friends, house, possessions and money. It all went as I earnestly tried to find my new path. What I find amusing is that I am completely happy with my life as it is now, with nothing material to speak of, but satisfaction galore because I am trying to help fix a problem in society. The Nick I was before, would have thought me beneath his sneering contempt. However, I cannot ignore the cost of failing to notice my early problems. I can excuse the medical world, my doctors and parents, for this failure, after all, medicine was only just discovering hormones, but there is no excuse today. It concernes me that the vast majority of male hormone problems remain undetected and untreated.

I waited six weeks after my operation for my first Testosterone supplement, during which time I became progressively more disturbed, mentally and physically. Each doctor I questioned about it, bypassed my concern, until I reached Dr Mark Glaser at Charing Cross Hospital in London. He listened and immediately set me up with an Endocrinologist. By this time, I was quite unstable, anxious, liable to rage and wondering what the hell was happening to my body as hot flashes coursed through my body, as though on a whim.
I got an injection of Sustanon 250, which was supposed to last four weeks. It didn't, it lasted three at the most, with the result that I spent the fourth week of my "cycle" disturbed once more. It was during the first of these that I attempted suicide.
Dissatisfied with this apparently immovable, (there was concern about overdosing me you see), frequency of injection, I discussed the problem with my doctor and we turned to pellet implants.
Apart from the fact that my implants kept sliding back out as my skin blistered from the internal pressure, I enjoyed the feeling I got from implants and began to feel normal again. I was surprised to find the doctor amazed because I knew when my hormones were low and another implant was due. It was as though he did not expect men to notice such an event. I didn't mind the increasing number of "molehills" on my abdomen caused by the residual pellets, because I was feeling better. This new comfort did not last, because I was suddenly passed me on to another doctor, who did a single implant, under my instruction, before suggesting it would be ok if I injected at an interval of three weeks. Perhaps I could be forgiven for thinking I was a nuisance to them, which is precisely how I did feel. I returned to injecting Sustanon 250 every three weeks and the "down time" disappeared. I have no clue where my levels were after this, because nobody tested me.

I felt a stranger in a world I'd once taken as a source of comfort. I was driven to abandon the life I knew. Driven by a desire to regain my health, but, perhaps more significantly, to explode the taboo surrounding Testicular Cancer and pursue my growing conviction that Testosterone is very important to moods and male behaviour. I felt I had to write !

Write I eventually did, when I published "The Making of a Eunuch" online in 1996, but not before I'd been through a few Testosterone experiences. The USA in February 1994, when I walked into an emergency department in the San Fernando Valley, dropped my pants to prove I had no testicles and walked out with 10ccs of Testosterone Cypionate to be injected at 1cc a month. It was then, that a kindly pharmacist informed me my drug was an androgen, capable of causing Cancer. I was struck by the irony.
I injected my Cypionate and waited a few days for my mood to be restored, but it never really got there altogether. Something was missing. I missed my Sustanon 250, because it would always get me into a better frame of mind within twenty four hours. I found it odd that Sustanon 250 was not available in North America.

Finding myself in Canada in 1996, I began, through necessity, to explore their hormone situation and was introduced to the "wonders" of Testosterone Enanthate, (Delatestryl). Three weeks injection cycle was the norm, but I always felt like hell in the last week. By this time I'd become involved with the TCRC and was beginning to learn about Testosterone. I was directed to a page showing how Delatestryl and Cypionate had a cycle of two weeks, not three. How bizarre, I thought, so I asked my endocrinologist of the time, who admitted endocrinologists knew this fact, but told me they thought we should "deal with" the third week. Incensed, I quietly asked him if he would think the same if it were his body we were discussing. My frequency came down to two weeks!

So it continued, until 2000, when Androgel became available in the USA. All the guys I knew down there were raving about it and the change it made to them when compared with injectables and patches. I waited, frustrated, until 2002, before Androgel became available in Canada, tried it, liked it, then promptly moved back to the UK, where my supplies did not last. I am now back on Sustanon 250, fifteen years down the line, waiting for the day when I can obtain Androgel here. It is apparently coming onto the market in the summer of 2003. Then, perhaps, I can finally get some stability in my hormone levels again.

Update 9th August 2003
I have been taking Androgel, which is renamed Testogel for the UK market, since the end of June 2003. It took a while to "bed in", but now I seem to be deriving some discernable benefits from it.
It is so nice to wake up every day and know that I will be able to deal with life's frustrations better. I feel more balanced, energy levels are better and perhaps most importantly, I feel much more confident in being able to carry out my work and in my social life, which I am just beginning to experience a little of again.