Where do you begin? Sometimes illness starts with subtle even vague feelings. Like me perhaps, you feel a fraud sitting in front of your doctor trying to explain that you feel slightly 'off.' Initially, we the uneducated rely on the expertise of the medical profession to diagnose our problem, prescribe a pill, and hopefully return to full power.
The symptoms I described to my GP left her reaching for a prescription pad with an almost immediate diagnosis of depression. Me depressed? Oh well, Doctor knows best. After all, I had recently lost my hearing and consequently my job as a Policeman. That's fine, I have a right to be depressed.

This was 1991, I had just returned from Virginia in America where I had been visiting relatives. It was during this visit that I was to suffer my first 'Panic Attack.' Well, actually, to those who have had the misfortune to experience this, the name panic is a little mundane. Terror Attack would be more appropriate. The mind loses all power of reason, when it is presented with this phenomena.
These 'attacks' became almost routine, occuring for no apparent reason on a weekly basis. I began to notice that my mood was low, and that I had lost all interest in sex. I was 38 years old. Not only the interest waned, but my actual ability to perform became non existent. Total ED even though I was no longer on antidepressants, which are notorious for causing this problem.

I was too proud/shy to mention this to my GP, but did say that libido was zero. I was still treated for depression with a succession of different antidepressants, none of which seemed to suit me. They all made me feel worse.
Over the next 5 years, things deteriorated very slowly, almost without perception, but I knew they were getting worse. I continued to work and study, although there were times when I was not able to haul myself about. I was sent for therapy, and given all manner of drugs. At one time I had a legal supply of 'speed'! Great, I thought, but even this failed to ignite my old self.
During this time I had collected a plethora of symptoms which left doctors bewildered and me very unwell and frustrated. Panic Attacks became a way of life, as did visits and ambulance runs to hospital. I was ill, embarrased and frustrated. I was now suffering extreme sweating, dry hair and scalp. By far the most debilitating was the muscle and joint pains which seemed to wear me down further.
By now I was having cognitive problems, poor memory and concentation. I didn't seem able to multi track as far as my eye to brain was concerned. Driving became an effort, my auto pilot wouldn't function. Still I was sent down the depressed route.

After about 10 years of a very low quality of life, I started to research myself. Now this can be dangerous, as it is so easy to pigeon hole yourself, if you feel inclined. I was desperate, but still sensible. I made a conscious decision that as I wanted out of this syndrome, and was always looking for a way forward, I was not depressed. Yes my life was hell, I had lost all my drive, I was negative and I had no spark. My get up and go had left me. The danger was it was so long sinced I had felt well, I no longer remembered what it felt like, I was becoming used to my lot, but I was never ever comfortable with it. I became used to panic and could deal with it more often, but occasionally it got the better of me and I would end up in casualty.

My wife has been a brick, and has stood by me. This period of my life has been hell for her also. Panic and hospitals, when you can't hear, becomes a living hell. Thank God I had my wife Judy to mediate for me, because the medical profession have no deaf awareness.

It is now 2004, and I'm in a management position with a National Charity with 18 staff and two departments to oversee. Now, more than ever, I needed tenacity of mind. In March I had the Grand-Daddy of panic attacks. I thought I was going to die!
I had, for months, constant, almost unbearable, fatigue. Those of you who have suffered this type of fatigue, will know it is easily distiguishable from normal tiredness. This attack saw me admitted, and blood samples taken. This was the first time I had visual problems. I was there for 48 hours, the outcome was the same, there is nothing wrong with you except your Testosterone is a little low (7.2nmo/L) and your Cholesterol is high, but these anomalies are not connected with the way you feel.

I left hospital drained, anxious and utterly fatigued. I do work long hours, but knew this was something different. I took 2 weeks off work, but didn't feel much better. I began to look up articles on Cholesterol, and became worried that I should lower my high level. I was puzzled because I have always detested fats and oils, didn't eat huge amounts of cheese or other fattening foods. I'd no idea about Testosterone, I just thought that this may be responsible for my loss of libido.

As this was low on my priority wish list I ignored it, until I went for another blood test ordered by the specialist, (Endocrinologist), who saw me in hospital.
He was pursuing a line of depression caused by chemical imbalance, (in principle he was on track, but his understanding of low 'T' would shoot holes in his theory), perhaps sleep apnea, as I'd always had a blocked nose.
During this consultation he casually stated that my testosterone was low/normal at 10.5nmol/L and that everything else was normal. I remembered that he kept repeating the word normal. I felt patronised. I researched testosterone and uncovered a jaw dropping result. Everything I read appeared to have been written about me. I could identify with 90% of the symptoms!

I mentioned this to my GP who scoffed at my theory saying, "In that case, there could be thousands of men out there requiring treatment", and if I wanted to know about hormonal imbalance I should try being a woman. This idea didn't appeal. I became selfish and said I'm not accountable for others, I'm talking about me.
I mentioned a Professor who worked in London who seemed to specialise in treating men who were suffering the effects of the male Andropause.By now I was convinced this was my problem.
Reluctantly I was referred to this Professor, who kindly agreed to see me as a NHS patient. It was November when I saw the Professor. I was to be prescribed a new Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) call Nebido. This was 1000mg of Testosterone Undecanoate in a 4ml solution. This solution was to be injected into my bum (Oh great joy)!!

Due to problems with my GP not wanting to inject this treatment, I was obliged to wait until January 2005. I desperately wanted to get my life back, but I have to say I'm a wimp about needles and was not looking forward to a long, slow injection, deep into the muscle above my bum( OK, I know, wimp!).

The day finally arrived. The practice nurse ordered the display of the said bum and sadistically administered the Testosterone solution.
Over the next couple of days I waited for the gift of LIFE! For 3 days, nothing,zilch, nano nothing happened, except a nice bruised area where the 10 foot needle had penetrated my soul!

EUREKA!! The fourth day was like being born again. The first thing I noticed was my concentration and ability to multi track (eye to brain), some may call it brain fog, lifted. My driving was smooth, relaxed and most noticeably CONFIDENT.
If you wanted to teach me to sky dive or bungee jump, I would have looked forward to the challenge. I was charged with 'Get up and get at em' I cannot explain how elated I was, this was how I remember things, this was living. My tendancy to nervousness had gone, my mood had lifted to heights that were for me a distant memory.

Why oh why had I had to suffer all these years? I cautioned myself here, this could be the Placebo effect. My own analysis of this phenomena began to break down this intangible anomaly, my ability to concentrate and multi-track whilst driving was something real, how could I be imagining this? Over the next few days I bathed in this warm and wonderful feeling. My fatigue vanished, I was LOOKING FORWARD, PLANNING AHEAD AND MOST WONDERFULLY FEELING GOOD, YES, I FELT VERY GOOD, I WAS FIZZING.

March 2005.
Six days later my new found world crashed, I returned to a sub-life, lower than my starting point. My long acting injection seemed to have a very short life, I was gutted, absolutely gutted. I am now three days into my sub life, I have received a reply from the Professor saying 'early days', and I am receiving tremendous support from The Testosterone Deficiency Centre, a web based forum for men such as me who are battling the male andropause. Whilst I am terribly upset, I will continue to find a way around this, as there are a number of reasons why TRT appears to fail initially, one being the conversion of 'T' to Eatradoil(E2), which inhibits the additional 'T' and witholds the benefit. It is this area I must move on to, but historcally the NHS even though the expertise is there (albeit scantly), is slow to function.

I'm winning the battle. I need to move forward and take the final hill. I need to get my 'T' levels to a steady state, that is good for me. This level, at present, is unknown, and will only be achieved through further testing and top up injections. It may be that I have to try a different method of 'T' delivery.
I'm due another bummer of an injection in 5 weeks together with further blood tests. I'm now into day 13 after my initial injection, and feeling much better again, my mood is bright and more positive again, my anxiety level is much improved, my breathing relaxed. I'm forward planning and confident.
It is quite evident that perhaps there is a yo yo balancing act taking place amongst my hormonal dancing partners. It would seem that they are still not quite sure who their partners are.
At this moment in time they are waltzing together in harmony, whereas for the last few days, they appear to have been in a flat foot stumble at different ends of the dance floor. The music is playing, eventually, I'm confident they will become inseperable and master the quicker and more intricate steps of a Foxtrot.
Philip